The High Art Of Courting
by Idlesana
Summary: It's not easy to raise a child on your own. Especially when he's hellbent on being your bride.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Again, something really random to amuse Shiruy with. And then she made me put them online. -sigh-

* * *

Little Naruto adored his father. His daddy was the bravest and strongest and handsomest and (almost, almost) tallest and other such adjectives that would describe the greatest father in the world.

Sasuke didn't agree though, saying that if someone was the most awesome, it was his brother Itachi, never minding that they were talking about fathers rather than awesomeness and that the one he was calling less awesome than someone else was holding his hand at that moment.

Naruto, while holding the the other hand (his father only had two hands since he was awesome like that), shoved his tongue out at his (very, very) insulting friend.

"Then you'll marry him. I'll be daddy's bride!"

Minato almost tripped.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Oh yeah, this isn't too innocent offa story. Sorry to disappoint you. (Pleased to disturb you.)

* * *

Naruto took training always very seriously. This time too, since it was really very important, he made a serious face and concentrated very hard.

Being daddy's bride would be no easy work, and so he tried to master the arts of cookery, cleaning and pleasure.

But cookery failed him when after a week or two his father pushed the cup full of ramen away from him with a twitchy smile on his face, suggesting that they'd eat something else for a change. Unfortunately it was the only thing either of them could cook, what tragedy!

Cleaning was overwhelmingly hard too, Naruto thought, after seeing how the mess only increased whenever he tried to clean.

And then there was pleasure which Naruto found out to be easy like child's play. And as Minato came knocking on his door after hearing a lot of 'ah, ah, AH' from the room, Naruto turned around and smiled brightly, saying "now I'll know what to do when daddy does that to me!" without even pausing the porno he had snatched from Jiraiya's secret stash.

Minato lost color a little.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

* * *

It was after having caught Naruto red handed and burning the corrupting porno, that Minato found his son practicing moaning around the house. Burning the tapes did not erase the problem because the damage had already been done, and so Minato just tried to convince his son not to let out such disturbing sounds.

But Naruto was a stubborn child who yearned to learn to do it right and kept moaning "daddy, daddy, ah, aah."

And Minato only covered his face with his hands because reasoning with a six-year-old was not providing him any results. But adults he could handle and he felt like making someone feel like they had made the mistake of their life.

So Jiraiya was called over for scolding since it was from Jiraiya whom Naruto had gotten the inappropriate material from.

While waiting for the old man who took a praiseworthy time to show up, Minato plugged his ears to tune out his son's practice moans. It worked out pretty well too, until his son raised his voice even more.

"Nnh, daddy! Jiraiya is, ahn, coming!" he shouted upon spotting the unmistakable white hair from the window.

The moaning tone created a small misunderstanding and Jiraiya found himself quite surprised when Minato attacked him right after he had stepped inside the house, shouting something about him being a sick bastard for doing something to Naruto.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

* * *

Little Sai went to the same elementary school as Naruto and Sasuke. The latter he didn't like that much but Naruto he liked enough to make up for his dislike towards Sasuke, so he hung around the two of them.

And he found out that while he had thought that _his_ mind was twisted, there existed something much more crooked in the world. And that would be Naruto and Sasuke.

"Sasuke has a major brother complex," Naruto said as they were trying to get to know each other a little bit better. Sasuke only blushed and muttered some objections until he pointed out that Naruto was the one hellbent on being his father's bride.

Naruto only smiled widely and agreed very loudly that yes, it was the most true thing about him.

And so Sai found himself being almost moved by Naruto's passionate (so, so twisted) confession and decided that Naruto should hold onto what he had held precious for sometime now.

"What is this?" Naruto asked after Sai had placed the ring, his treasure, into his hands.

"It's a gift," Sai said while smiling, "you should give it to someone special."

Naruto smiled a lot and thanked him a lot because his daddy sure was special and everyone liked gifts. And after the school was out and Minato came to pick him up, Naruto took the ring from his pocket and gifted his father with it while declaring his everlasting love.

Minato, upon taking a peek as to what lied on his son's hands and seeing a _cock_ring, almost drove the car off a cliff.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Last time on thaoc: Naruto's friend Sai decided to give Naruto a gift he could give forward to the one he loves. Naruto does so but Minato is not sure what to think of the cockring his six-year-old son has just gifted him with. And now the exciting (not really) continuation.

* * *

"Did you like my gift?" Naruto asked, eyes shining with hope and anticipation. Minato turned to look at his son with jerky movements, his eyebrow raised as if he didn't know what his son was talking about.

"Did you not even try it on?" Naruto asked, tears starting to gather at the corners of his eyes as he looked accusingly at his father who felt his heart break a little.

"Does daddy not love me?" Naruto asked, his eyes now as big as saucers and tears slowly sneaking down his red, plumb cheeks. Minato's gaze stayed at Naruto's trembling bottom lip for awhile before he closed his eyes and swallowed hard enough to make his throat hurt.

He dropped down on his knees and crushed his son into a tight hug, trying to bite down the smile that crawled on his lips despite his efforts. "Naruto, you're so cute! _Of course_ I love you!" he cooed, all smiles.

Pulling away enough to be able to look into his father's eyes, Naruto smiled happily and asked "So you liked the gift?"

Minato inwardly cursed Naruto's ability to use his own cuteness against him and answered very reluctantly "...yes."

Naruto, putting on his best cute-as-hell face, tilted his head and tugged his father's sleeve.

"Show me?"

Minato whimpered.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own the sries Naruto or its characters.

I found this gathering dust in the depths of my computer. Having fished it out, I now dedicate it to _you_.

* * *

Three children walked inside his house as Minato kept the door open, smiling so very widely that he couldn't possibly smile any wider. Naruto's oldest and bestest of friends Sasuke was once again over, but so was a new face, although very similar to Sasuke's face, but a new one nonetheless.

The new little person looked around the unfamiliar environment until he decided to pay attention to the master of the house. Minato's smile drooped a little when the child, his head just about reaching his crotch, did not look up while saying his name, but kept on staring straightforward.

"I'm glad I gave you my treasure, Naruto," said the little boy known as Sai, as he padded over to his friend. Minato was left standing in the hallway confused and slightly disturbed.

* * *

A tray of cookies in his hand, Minato approached his son's room in good spirits, knowing that all boys that age hungered for previously mentioned treats twenty-four slash seven. He was about to knock on the door, halting the progress in favor of eavesdropping when he heard words come from inside.

"Your father is a nice man," he heard the new face, Sai, say.

"That's what I've been telling you!" Naruto said, his voice heavy with pride.

"And he's a reasonable size too." This one left Minato a bit puzzled.

"I know! He's so tall and handsome." A little admiring sigh was added at the end of Naruto's adoring sentence.

"No, that's not what I meant. The gift, Naruto, the gift will fit just fine." A bad feeling started to bubble deep inside Minato.

"Oh! Well, you know, when I grow I'll be just like him."

"Tall and handsome?" Sasuke asked.

"No. Reasonable size. Bigger even!"

"Then what will you do?" Sai inquired, obviously as curious as Minato.

"Fuck his brains out!" Was Naruto's all too cheerful reply.

His spirits suddenly crashing to the levels of hell, Minato turned around without a sound and walked back into the kitchen, offering cookies to healthy, good natured and so, so (not)cute children long forgotten.

Slumping down on a chair, he considered between crying himself to sleep and making a phone call. In the end, Minato ended up doing both.


End file.
